Acerbic Treats

Hot Girls

2009-05-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that hot girls shouldn't have to ride the
bus. In fact they don't. If she is then she's definately doing
something wrong and not working her potential.

It's rather sad how society works, but are we surprised it's anyway.
Hot girls rarely have to put in the effort for anything and it usually
shows in their personality. Anyway, that is all.

Summer Heights High

2008-12-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

This is easily one of the best shows on TV and NOBODY is talking about it. More on it later, but watch it assholes, or else just kill yourself.

If Only We All Could Be Like Him

2008-11-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

Him=Him.

I'm not making fun of him at all, but rather I want to state a generality. Have you all noticed that children who are faced with their own mortality tend to be much more at peace, well spoken, intelligent and overall decent people compared to their peers? Don't you ever wish that dumb ass wangstas with their crooked, sticker laden hats, and see through skin would be the ones with the terminal disease, while these intelligent youngsters are the ones who are spared?

This can happen ladies and gentlemen. How you ask? Allow me to tell you.

First go to a bar or club, or meet someone at work and get drunk with them. Then have sex. If you're a guy, pretend to put a condom on. If you're a girl, poke holes in the condom, or beg him to "raw dog it". He'll do it. I guarantee it.

Next, wait 9 months for a baby to be air mailed to you.

Last, and most importantly, raise your child as if he or she has a terminal disease. Every few months, remind them that the doctor told them that they only have a few months to live. Convince them that a close friend is a doctor and take them to "appointments" every few months to remind them that they could die tomorrow. With death that close to them, they'll appreciate their lives more and will be less like this and more like this.

It's a good idea because it will teach humility and humbleness. They'll grow up to be appreciative and respectful. Until they find out that it was all a lie, and then they'll backlash like a Christian girl who attended her first co-ed school and discovered what a "penis" is.

Quick Thought

2008-11-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

While talking to a co-worker today, I had a thought about old movies. Does it ever seem that old movies seem so much better than movies of today because they were forced to be subtle? They couldn't swear, show nudity, or have makeout sessions. They were forced to keep characters apart and forced to not directly talk about certain things, and had to dance and skirt the issue, therefore indirectly making people think more while they were watching and say, "Damn, that was clever!"

Today, movie makers can show damn near everything, and do, which is why so many movies have become cliched, stereotypical and lame. I'm not saying that there wern't snuff movies or early porn movies back in the 40s and 50s because there were. The mainstream movies seemed generally better and "classic" because of the subtlety that was forced on them, I think.

Holy Shit!

2008-11-13T13:37:00.000-08:00

I was watching Casino Royale yesterday and I forgot how amazingly hot Eva Green is. Damn! Just sayin.

My Review of Half of "Role Models"

2008-11-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

Not that this movie is a "Roots" or "Lord of the Rings" type epic that was so chock full of action that I need to spread this (hehe) over two reviews. The reasons for my partitioned review are something much more cryptic and mysterious: while watching this movie at the Sherman Oaks Galleria on Sunday, the power mysteriously shut down and we were warned to exit the building immediately. My first though, "Zombie attack...yes!". I initially started screaming, "ZOMBIES!" and pushing people down while trying to escape. This only seemed to cause more of a panic, so then I just gave in to my fate. I started moaning and groaning and biting people to really win some brownie points with out new zombie overlords, but once I was restrained, we were informed that it was not in fact a zombie attack (to which I received several swift kicks to my undead ball sack), but a fire! I immediately started screaming, "ZOMBIE FIRE" and we all ran out of the building.

Suffice to say, I was only halfway through the movie Role Models when this zombie fire attacked, but I really must give props to this movie. The first half was freaking great. Paul Rudd is perfect as the depressed, asshole-ish, but annoyingly named, Danny Donahue. Paul Rudd has perfected the smart ass persona and it shines in this movie (probably due to him being a co-writer as well). Sean William Scott; always funny, plays the (surprise, surprise) perverted ladies man, but also terribly named, Wheeler. Elizabeth Banks, the star of EVERY MOVIE THAT HAS EVER GODDAMN COME OUT IN THE PAST 10 YEARS, plays Danny's girlfriend and is flawless as usual. Literally: flawless. I dare you to find a flaw. See, you can't even come up with anything. Christopher Mintze-Plasse stars as every friend I've ever had. As a role-playing supernerd named (perfectly) Augie Farks, CMP (as I'll call him) dusts off any coolness he had as McLovin' and goes into full nerd territory, and pulls it off well. He has a likeability about him and it shows with the first half of the character that I saw. His nasally voice really drives me insane though. Take a decongestant man. Seriously.

The first half of the movie belongs to young Bobb'e J. Thompson. No I didn't just sneeze and mash the keyboard while typing his name. This kid is a riot, and steals a lot of the scenes in which he's involved in. He still needs some polish but his delivery and timing is really something great and the added bonus that he looks like Martin Lawrence mixed with Dave Chapelle, and acts like them too really adds to the humor.

The movie really doesn't deter from the cliches that you would expect from one of these movies, and I'm sure they all learn to like each other and learn valuable lessons, but the path to get to that ending has been great thus far.

GRADE (for half of the movie): B+

With Wonder and A Wild Desire...

2008-11-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

...I want to go home and play videogames!

This happens to me once a year. Exactly around fall time, all the big videogames come plummeting through the sky, as if a gift from a heavenly entity, and amuse me for hours/days/weeks until something else comes around and I forget about them.

So far I've been able to get a hold of a handful, with a couple more coming:

PART 1

1) Dead Space: A legitimately freaky space romp that is part Event Horizon, part Sunshine, part "Aliens" and wholly awesome. I don't get freaked out when I play videogames very often, but damn if this game doesn't have me as jumpy and panicked as I have ever been. Stories of this game getting super freaky are overblown I feel, but then again, I have yet to play through the game completely, so I really shouldn't comment. Parts that really do get me going is when you're in a room and then all of a sudden the lights shut off. Commence crapping of pants...NOW.

The gameplay features that involve severing limbs and heads off of the mutated space creatures is pretty damn sweet, and the fluidity of the controls really allow freedom of damage. Controls are a little too stiff at times, making it pretty easy to get surrounded and attacked before you really know what to do, but admittedly, this is a minor issue.

The graphics are shockingly good with some amazing lighting effects from nearby stars. Flickering lights add some beautiful atmospheric tension with sound effects placing the proverbial cherry on top of this engrossing cupcake. The HUB menu system is great also, as it clears all the clutter from the screen and gives the game a more cinematic touch that really assists sucking you into this game. The voice acting is wonderful as well.

The negatives are not many, but they exist. Some pixilation and jaggies are clearly visible in some of the lighting effects and at times it seams all too easy to get walloped by 4 enemies who can jump further than you can actually run. The game, even early on, comes across as slightly repetitive, but there are nice changes in the scenery to keep things fresh.

All in all this is the sleeper game of the year as I do not think anybody expected this title to come around and be so damn good. Great job EA.

GRADE: B+

2) Fable 2: Simple yet addictive, this game is right up my alley (not in a sexual type of way). I'll get into talking about Elder Scrolls IV a bit later, but that game was just too huge for me. It really just kind of dropped me into that scenario and said go to town, which is awesome, but I was taken aback by the scope of that game. Fable 2's story is lame and a dime a dozen, but the gameplay itself is really addictive. Exploration is a blast, interaction with townies is fun, and the simple jobs are fun enough that you can give a little kid to play for an hour or so for you.

The combat seems insanely simple, and it is. Each face button coincides with an attack form, so it allows you to hack with a sword, pull out a gun and shoot someone and then blast them with a spell to finish off a combo. it is at your discretion, but it is fun to pull this stuff off.

There are TONS of places to explore, even early in the game. The demon walls are back with interesting requests and the ability to automatically jump to specific locations is really helpful when you don't feel like wandering around for hours. The good thing is that you are never at a loss at what to do. You always have a specific mission to do and a "breadcrumb" trail allows you to follow a patch directly to your next mission, or wander off the path

The graphics are a bit disappointing as Lionhead Studios opted to go a more cartoonish route, but it works in the world of Albion as the game is huge and having realistic graphics would have been at the sacrifice of all the other things that you'd be able to do (marrying, buying houses, jobs, missions).

I spend much of my time just wandering around and trying to see what I can do and what I can discover (much like I do in GTA games, and I avoid the actual story for the most part). The exploration part of this game is the best and is more satisfying than Fallout 3 (which we will get to later), but not as intense as that game either.

Peter Molyneux has created a funny, vivid world in which you can interact with just about everything. This is Zelda except not as linear, but consequentially, not as endearing. Great effort though. If you are an action RPG fan, this is a solid purchase that you will not regret. Not as customizable as Fallout 3 or Elder Scrolls IV, but much more pick up and play friendly.

GRADE: A-

If You Vote Yes on Prop 8...

2008-11-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

...I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome sons. And I hope they're gay. Really, really gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Listen, I'm not going to tell anyone what to believe (just like the "moral majority" should tell people who to have sex with), but the argument for voting yes on Prop 8 is fundamentally flawed and really just disgusting.

First of all, they use fear tactics by throwing children into the mix. Yes once kids learn about this wonderful fad called homosexuality, they'll run out to their local sex shop and buy strap-ons and lube and go to town. I mean that's how I learned about it. They have not and will not ever teach marriage in schools. They only schools where they teach marriage is in private religious schools because there they teach you that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, and also that evolution (despite overwhelming evidence) never happened. Also carbon dating is a lie and that dinosaurs existed along with Adam. Public schools CANNOT teach marriage because gay couples tend to have children in public schools and that could equal a lawsuit. Also, they do teach homosexuality in schools. It's called any college party you have ever gone to and it always involves girls. So think about that when little Courtney wants to take her bleached blonde hair, her playboy bunny logo tanned right above her crotch, her lower back tattoo that she has concealed from you so expertly, her ability to binge drink and not remember what or who she did, and her Volkswagen Jetta to UCSB, or Chico State, or anywhere that's not within reasonable driving distance. Remember to pretend to look aghast when you see her on a "Girls Gone Wild" commercial. That way at least it appears that you didn't see this coming.

They play into the fear that gay people are going to gay it up in front of your kids and really do a number on them, and possibly touch them because you know, they're gay and gay people are scary. Child molesters have been found to be everywhere and generally are not gay. Hell some of them are your religious bridges to God, so maybe you should pass a law on that:

Prop 69: Don't go to Church because your Pastor may try to blow you. Don't go anywhere near a 40 something year old man because he might try to fondle you.

Next Prop 8 supporters have filled their commercials with minorities (to really spread the hatred) and my favorite has to be an African American judge who says something along these lines: "Why should the law infringe on my personal, religious views?" Does that sound FUCKING NUTS to anyone else but me? How hypocritical/stupidly ego-centric can the writers of this commercial be? It is wrong for a law to be passed to provide freedom for a group of individuals to get married because it encroaches on your religious freedom? How about their freedom to marry whoever they want to? What makes your freedoms any more important? Because they "religious"? Newsflash, religions at the basest of levels teach love, respect and understanding of your fellow man. It wasn't until man perverted it to, "We are right, you are wrong, let's kill you until you realize this", that religion has gone this route of hatred for what is not the same.

People who vote yes on Prop 8 try to hide that this is absolutely nothing but a religious issue. They try to vindicate themselves by saying, "Well they have civil unions and that's just like being married, so there's no need for them to have ceremonies and creep me out" (I added that second half of that). All right, if civil unions are just as good as marriage, then why don't we just abolish marriage? I heard a collective gasp as I typed that (note to self, I may have multiple personalities, some of who are voting yes on Prop 8). That would be ridiculous to most and you know why? Because the marriage ceremony means something to people whether it just be a symbol of a union or as a bond in the eyes of God and for one group to say that another group should not have this right, is simply wrong and bigoted. Marriage or civil unions for all. Take your pick.

My last statement (until I think of something else to rant about) is simply this: didn't we move past this crap as a country about 30 years ago? It seems as if the yes on Prop 8 group have turned homosexuals into the Japanese of the 40s, the African Americans of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, etc. People take this stance that there is something wrong with them and you should be weirded out by the thought of two people of the same sex wanting to "practice their love" on one another as George Bush famously said about gynecologists (on a side note, I am really going to miss Bush the bumbling buffoon, although he's sort of lost this persona over the past year or so). We are heading back to high school kids being more afraid than ever to be themselves because it may be disgusting or lead to a hate crime. We are heading to a time where people are afraid to have their kids in the same area with a gay person even with parental supervision.

I know racism and hatred is still rampant, but I thought we are progressing. We have separation of church and state people. Your religious views should not dictate laws, and the ONLY opposition about this is "moral" which in turn is directly connected to religion, whether you admit it or not. Two people have a right to get married no matter the sex. Shit, people in other countries marry their farm animals, and we are afraid of two people who want to commit their lives to each other?

How about this for an example: I think really fat people shouldn't be able to eat in public anymore because it is visually disgusting to me. The thought of a fat person eating a burger and fries and having little regard for the people around them who have to watch and hear them getting fatter makes my ill and is wrong because it is unhealthy, but most gluttony is a sin, and why should a fat person have the right to blatantly infringe on my religious beliefs like that?

This law is bigoted and wrong. I will not vote for anything that blatantly discriminates against a group of people. That, is the worst part of this law. It breeds and basks in discrimination and fear.

Zack and Wiki Make a Porno????

2008-11-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

These two loveable scamps have fallen to the dregs of "young looking boy does strange sounding/flying monkey, pirate" porn? Well ok, I guess I'll give it a test drive. What's that you say? It's Zack and MIRI? What the hell is a Miri? It's an Elizabeth Banks, huh? Well That's a definite upgrade over a flying monkey. Seth Rogan you say? Well that is not even close to an upgrade over a young looking videogame character in a pirate hat, but what the hell!

That, my friends, was the comedy stylings that you only get here! So yesterday I went and saw "Zach and Miri Make a Porno", a new movie from Kevin Smith. You know what you get in a Kevin Smith movie: Jason Mewes, one very gross gag, some interesting banteriffic conversations, and a sappy love story (non-worse than "Mallrats" which combined Jason Lee and Shannon Doherty in one of the worst/lamest declaration of love speeches ever), and a cameo from his wife. This movie is definitely a Kevin Smith affair notching all of the previous requisites.

Smith also knows how to bring the controversy as the title of the movie, and the "content" has garnered it some pretty scathing criticism from conservatives/"would someone please think of the children" nut-jobs. From Yahoo's newsfeed section: "A controversial movie might have gone No. 1 this weekend if it weren't for its title and subject matter." Basically if the movie didn't have porno in the title, and wasn't about making a porno, then it might have gone number one. If this movie wasn't the actual movie that this was, then it would have made number one in the box office. How stupid does that sound? (Gruff studio exec voice with cigar in mouth) If this movie was about a British spy and called "Quantum of Solace" it would have made $11 bagillion dollars (actual estimate of figures that the new James Bond movie will gross according to me). Idiots. Smith took a strange topic, that very few writers/directors would tackle, and made a pretty damn good movie about it. The problem is that people (i.e. judgmental assholes) see the title and immediately condemn it, without actually watching the movie, because the thought of going to a movie that has "porno" in the title would cause Baby Jesus/Mohammed/Ganesha/Steve Jobs to cry and sentence them to a life of hard worship at their collective alters.

This movie is technically about the making of a porno, but is not at any point about the inner workings of the porn world. This is, above all, a romantic comedy with dirty jokes a plenty. The romantic comedy part is banked on the likeability of Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks and the casting paid off really well. Seth Rogan has become the prototypical everyman loser. His characters have crappy jobs, loser/likeable friends, and always land female counterparts that are way, way, way, way out his league, my league, your league, the international galaxy league for hot girls that are out of everyone's league league. So to counterpoint my last statement, he is the prototypical no one man, not every man, because people with his luck don't exist in the real world, but he is damn likeable so what the hell. What can be said about Elizabeth Banks that hasn't been said about about a new copy of "Fallout 3"? Looks great, smells great, and could probably fit in an X-Box 360! The new "it" girl of Hollywood, she and her thong made their big breakthrough in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and now she and her granny panties have swooped in as the leading lady in "Zach and Miri" and damn if she doesn't pull it off. Incredibly gorgeous and likeable, while at the same time awkward and goofy, she plays the role with subtelty while still being over the top. Great job by her and Rogan.

Craig Robinson leads the solid supporting cast (including Kevin Smith regular Jeff Anderson and Traci Lords from legitimate porno fame.

"Zack and Miri" is a solid movie more in the vein of "Chasing Amy" and "Clerks 2" than any other Smith movie. It has heart without being too heavy handed, and it has laughs without being too overbearing (although there are a few jokes that miss pretty badly). It's a better romantic comedy than the last two person named title movie I saw ("Nick and Nora") because I think it's not trying as hard to be cool, and is definitely more adult oriented. A solid movie and worth a watch, but is not for all, and I think generally it is worth a rental if you won't get off your lazy ass to the theatre.

GRADE: B

IPHONE vs. MY OLD PHONE

2008-09-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are misinformed the messiah did arrive in a blustery day in July. Unfortunately for the religious people involved, Jesus did not look like the 6 foot tall white guy with long hair and a beard. In fact he didn’t look like a 6 foot tall middle eastern guy with long hair and a beard (not Osama). He in fact looks like a 4 inch cube with a touch screen and awesome multimedia capabilities. And a beard. That’s right, the IPHONE arrived on the scene (and it only really makes an impact if you type everything in caps) and I actually lined up for one. One of those lonely, depressed, loser people who had nothing better to do than take a vacation day and line up for a phone, I managed to secure one thanks to Del Taco, “Blade Runner” and “Spaced”.

As soon as I secured the phone in my possession I tried my hardest not to sacrifice a goat for it. Seeing as there were monumental issues as to getting it to work (I wasn’t able to actually use the phone until 10 hours later, thanks Apple and AT&T!), I withheld my pious convictions and simply married the goat.

Once my phone started working I was in love. I tried not to get too hyped for it as I knew that would lead to a road of disappointment but I couldn’t help myself. I looked past the glaring errors and omissions and had a blast toughing it and fiddling with it and had a grand old time. Then the luster wore off and this is what I am left with.

First off, good: The application store is seriously genius and transformed what would have been a mediocre phone into something AWESOME. The applications are constantly updated and the fact that I can watch pitch by pitch in real time baseball games is truly sweet. The You Tube connectivity is amazing as well. Really awesome stuff there. The GPS is very helpful and does what it should for the most part. There should be some giant announcements about the phone coming on 09/09/08, so I expect it to be even better. I have high hopes anyway. You can zoom in on your pictures after you take them too which is neat. IPod options are great. Internet connectivity is great.

My gripes: No cut and paste. No texting or receiving pictures in a way that doesn’t drive you insane. No zoom on the camera. No flash on the camera. Worthless camera. Obnoxiously slow at times, especially when typing. Applications crash pretty regularly. The phone tends to restart itself whenever it damn well pleases. Nothing seems to ever work when you really need it (GPS is a great example). 3G eats more battery than a super charged vibrator. It doesn’t make me dinner.

So if you’re gonna get this, and I am sure you’ve been waiting 3 months since it came out to read my review before purchasing it, read the below battle between my old phone and my IPhone and see the victor:

OLD PHONE: Could receive pictures of assorted male body parts and chicks with wieners from my friend to his glee of grossing me out. Could text pictures to people if I saw fit.
IPHONE: Cannot text pictures or receive my friend’s “chicks with dix pix” without logging into an AT&T website to review them, much to my friends chagrin. LAME.
Point: OLD PHONE

OLD PHONE: Couldn’t answer calls on my phone, causing me to punch it, shattering the screen.
IPHONE: Can actually answer calls on my phone for once! Yeah!
Point: IPHONE

OLD PHONE: Had to play solitaire endlessly while on the can as a way to amuse myself.

IPHONE: Can play “Monkey Ball” (not as gross as it sounds), Poker and Solitaire (and funny that they all sound like euphemisms for playing with your junk, or balling someone) while on the can and even surf the internet too!
Point: IPHONE

OLD PHONE: Slow connectivity made watching pornography impossible.
IPHONE: Faster connectivity allows better porn viewing, but unless you’re connected to WI-FI, the quality is so poor, you might as well watched scrambled porn on the TV or just put a bunch of porn on the phone via the IPOD.
Point: Tie

OLD PHONE: Won’t make me dinner
IPHONE: Still won’t make me dinner, but looks better while not cooking for me, much like a trophy wife or a younger girlfriend.
Point: IPHONE

So as you can see, the IPHONE clearly beats my old phone 3-1 in the best of 5championship. Is the IPHONE worth buying? In a way yes it is. It’s a great device, but has MAJOR flaws that updates will hopefully take care of in the future. If they fix pix texting and the camera this thing is gold. If not, a smart phone like a Blackberry may be for you. All in all though it is a solid phone that is contingent on what they do with it. It can either be a masterpiece or a bust. Plus, you can't type the word iphone, without capitalizing ALL of the letters in the word. IPOHNE. Yeah, looks powerful. Thanks apple advertising for that brainwashing!

GRADE: B-
FUTURE POSSIBILITY: A